Pain in asss=mathsss

After the college a never ending year without job, seemed like hell broke loose, especially when I was adamant at not becoming a run of the mill software engineer. I never accepted changes so easily , have always fought for things, mending them my way. Always taken life by its horns and twisted it to my will. And now what was happening was precisely the other way round. Life had become a full circle. This was the price I had to pay, probably or probably not. Sitting idle was not something I had imagined ever. A small period as it looks like was eating like a bug inside.

No doubt, I got the best support from everyone. But I could not confront myself. Not that I could show it, but mere understanding of people around was what was hitting me the most .I was working at that time. To take my mind off from all of this, pretending that nothing had happened.

Every time this topic came, unabashedly I opened up, trying to make myself feel a little guilty. In the eyes of those who pretended to ‘understand’. Time passed by, each day making its presence felt! Always waited for that next chance, swearing will not let it go. Severing strings with people knowingly. Every time an old friend gatecrashed , there was inevitably the one thing to talk about. I knew I was not the only one in the crisis; somebody close to me was also in the same boat. But it kind of gave me weird pleasure . At least I had lived on my terms. I was prepared for the result. But it was no more about me; it was about family, tradition, expectations, and hopes.

Inspite of being a swimmer I drowned with all these.

.

I had had enough of hiding, planning, promising....

I HATED it. It was time for a rollover.

I studied like a devil. Doing the same things over and over until even the pages carried my smell, were familiar with my touch .the pages 414-415 had grape juice spilt. It remained, n haunted me, as if watching me from a corner, making me conscious every time I let my hair loose (ha I like to say it though) .By the time the exam neared, my patience was in shreds. Those 3 hours of my life were, like having sex.(I think I would something like this) .I wanted to give everything , (every math equation that i have ever learned..!) did'nt know whether i was right or wrong ,but desperately trying to strike gold with each passing moment.,,, still at some points was completely blank . There was no fear of loosing, only excitement, how could i fool the damn paper checker!!!! As always paper was over before time, n i sat for a messiah to complete the rest of the questions, which were Greek to me.

The thing about maths is either you know all or you dead, there is no middle way.

How much I bang my head split wide open , dung is what I see , is what I do !!!

Bell rang and gates were open, to go where ever , where ever your destiny or your paper would take you.

I couldn’t react for a while. no face expressions. Void. Stood there still. Waiting for someone to grab and make me come back to life. After almost every paper i was absolutely dumbfounded ,whether i would pass or fail or what on earth had I shitted back there.But this time i felt so strongly about a few things that only 2 people knew till now, and now you would also know.

First >> I never wanted to run away from maths like a coward mice, but i hated it to the core of my heart. Writing the paper for 6th time i wanted to score more than ramanujan ever did. I had made a pact to myself that if i would ever give the exam, it would be a landmark, else I would leave it , let the whole world think I was a fool.

Second >> I was challenged by an old pig of a professor that if I could get more than 60% in maths he would accept me as an engineer.

Seeing my record it was difficult to believe that i could, but that S.O.B threatened my existence , my repute in front of college .Bullshit , I instantly imagined of the day when my results would be out and I would put a bullet inside his knowledge filled sloppy meat. And with pleasure, too.

And if you were wondering how what happened next.

I found the most beautiful thing in the world .Love.

It was so powerful that it just could not let me loose, just could not!!!!

Dreams started materializing and joined me with my journey towards LOVE.

And off the record is you wondering what the f *** was this post about , well it was about me giving my engg. maths paper for the nth^nth time .